I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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