Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
