So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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