Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
