Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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