Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
