I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
