she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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