i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
