I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
