I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
