the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
