Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
