wrigley field is MILF paradise
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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