You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
