Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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