Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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