Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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