i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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