Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
