You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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