the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
