Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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