first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
