Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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