if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
