just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Say something about gay babies.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
