Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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