If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
