Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
