I'm eating all of the evidence.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
