Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
