I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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