Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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