how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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