im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
