omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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