I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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