i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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