She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
