Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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