why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
