I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
