vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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