Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
