Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
