Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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