i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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