I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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