Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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