She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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