girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
